{"id":24260,"date":"2017-03-13T16:58:34","date_gmt":"2017-03-13T20:58:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/carleton.ca\/fass\/?p=22456"},"modified":"2026-03-26T09:59:08","modified_gmt":"2026-03-26T13:59:08","slug":"paiges-blog-tremors-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/carleton.ca\/fass\/2017\/paiges-blog-tremors-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Paige's Blog – Tremors"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\n
\n\n
\n
\n
\n

\n Paige's Blog – Tremors\n <\/h1>\n \n \n <\/header>\n\n <\/div>\n\n <\/div>\n\n <\/div>\n<\/section>\n\n

This blog, like my last<\/a>, has taken me a while to write because I needed a while to figure out where I stood. Where I\u2019m standing. As I told a friend last week: it seems like every time I\u2019ve come close to identifying what I\u2019m feeling and what\u2019s going on around me, something changes, and I have to start all over. The ground is shifting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I think this is what your last year feels like. I want to keep my head down right now, to walk in a straight line, to work hard and finish strong \u2014 but I am being pulled away, constantly, by the distraction of uncertainty. At the beginning of the semester, it was easy to resolve to stay focused, stay humble, keep learning. Not so anymore. The chasm of graduation is more overwhelming the closer you get to the edge.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What it comes down to is this: in March, less than two months out from my final exam at Carleton<\/a>, stasis is insupportable. I have to begin making decisions, looking forward, accepting inevitable change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How, exactly, does one do that? Can somebody tell me?<\/p>\n\n\n

\n

Stasis is insupportable. The ground is shifting. I cannot remain any longer where I\u2019ve been. It\u2019s occurred to me that if I don\u2019t go after the things I want, I won\u2019t get them. (I know, right?) So I need to conquer my indecisiveness.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n\n\n

The last time I made a life decision this large, I was in high school. I wasn\u2019t even technically an adult. My parents and I made the decision together. Now, after five years of university, I am in charge of my life in a way that I have never been before (and I suspect that as time passes this trend will persist). I have been doing a lot of hard thinking lately (read: a lot of staring into space), wavering between confidence and crippling self doubt, and I\u2019ve concluded that I must \u2014 again, in an unprecedented way \u2014 take responsibility for my own life<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For some people, that will probably be easier than for others, i.e. me. I have been supported by my parents, sheltered from life by my introversion and even my education. I read<\/em> about things; I don\u2019t do<\/em> them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have been willing to appease others \u2014 roommates, parents, friends. I have a tendency to avoid confrontation, to be passive, to be safe. That, like everything else, needs to change. I\u2019ve been accepted to graduate studies and so I need to decide where to study. And even after I make that<\/em> decision, I\u2019ve only staved off the real world for, like, a year.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Am I ready? To move on? To be okay without school, that structural influence that has regimented and defined my everyday life since I was in kindergarten? To face new people, new places, new situations?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Am I brave<\/em>?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have to be. If I am honest with myself, I know what I want in my life. I thought, for so long, that I didn\u2019t. But we suppress parts of ourselves because they don\u2019t fit what others expect of us, or because the things we want don\u2019t seem realistic. Maybe you don\u2019t have that problem, but I do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Stasis is insupportable. The ground is shifting. I cannot remain any longer where I\u2019ve been. It\u2019s occurred to me that if I don\u2019t go after the things I want, I won\u2019t get them. (I know, right?) So I need to conquer my indecisiveness. I may have to be a little bit aggressive, for once in my life. I have to grow up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have to be brave.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This blog, like my last, has taken me a while to write because I needed a while to figure out where I stood. Where I\u2019m standing. As I told a friend last week: it seems like every time I\u2019ve come close to identifying what I\u2019m feeling and what\u2019s going on around me, something changes, and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":22472,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[294,25,849],"tags":[340],"class_list":["post-24260","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-paiges-blog","category-student-blogs","category-student-voices","tag-student-blogs"],"acf":{"cu_post_thumbnail":false},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/carleton.ca\/fass\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24260","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/carleton.ca\/fass\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/carleton.ca\/fass\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/carleton.ca\/fass\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/carleton.ca\/fass\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=24260"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/carleton.ca\/fass\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24260\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":53664,"href":"https:\/\/carleton.ca\/fass\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24260\/revisions\/53664"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/carleton.ca\/fass\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/22472"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/carleton.ca\/fass\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=24260"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/carleton.ca\/fass\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=24260"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/carleton.ca\/fass\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=24260"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}