By Kali Rises
currently, life is a bi-polar collage of cell shaking anxiety mixed with some of the most beautiful enlightening moments that will resonate as ‘peak’ experiences for me until the very moment I take my last breath. This confusing dichotomy at times feels so overwhelming I am astounded I can continue to keep moving forward, making decision, living, laughing, giving, receiving. Each morning when I wake I feel the excitment of life touch my conscious mind, and in seconds this is followed by a tiny death that allows fear and anxiety to reach in and remind me that today, will hold in it, choices, experiences, thoughts, feelings and realities that will consume any notion I had in the dream world that life is ‘normal’. There are times my anxiety feels so heightened I can hear the blood rushing in my ears, heart pounding and wonder how a human body can withstand it? Other times, when I allow myself to get lost in being available to support others, in my work, in social services, to just be open to perhaps being able to take that same anxiety away from another human for any amount of time, I feel as if I am ok, I am grounded. There is a very real part of everything I feel that I know is connected to allowing myself to recognize that I am at my best when I am engaged in being strong when others cannot be. I feel a sense of purpose these days that is sometimes the only thing other than anxiety that I feel. I find myself feeling vulnerable as my ego sheds another layer, then another , another, until some days I cannot keep up to who I am, what is real, what was not. So I find myself trusting this process in a way that feels like crossing a log laying over a river bed. I know I will get to the other side, but I am unsure of where to put my feet exactly. I am so grateful for the strength of some beautiful humans around me, to be employed at an agency that aligns very much with this personal process I am in, to still, despite the heaviness , open my eyes each day and know without doubt that I can work towards the highest good as my ego continues to fall away, I feel held in this process. May all beings be happy and free.