I swear I had good intentions for this reading week. I was going to get through three novels and maybe start at least one of the four research papers that will be fast approaching as soon as March rolls around. I told myself and my quickly declining bank account that I was going to hunt for the perfect summer job and revamp my CV to sell myself as the ideal candidate. But alas, here I am on Sunday afternoon of what I hope will be my last reading week of undergrad, with a few too many items left unchecked on the illusory checklist.
The work that I did manage to get done was due the first day back, so I like to tell myself that I’m just living in the moment, not wasting my time worrying about what the future holds for me, because everyone knows you can’t control that. Try as I may to be proactive to get ahead of my work, instead of the work getting ahead of me, it’s just not going to happen. It didn’t happen in the first three and half years of my degree, and it’s certainly not going to happen in the last two months of it (cue excitement/fear at the prospect of being done my degree in LESS THAN TWO MONTHS!).
I definitely understand the importance of time management, and I’m not the type to be writing a paper the night before it’s due, but I’ve come to the conclusion that there is beauty in living in the moment—try as hard as you may to plan and organize your life away, at some point there is only so much you can control. Which brings me to what I have been doing this reading week while not doing my readings.
When I wasn’t binge-watching Veronica Mars episodes in preparation for the movie’s release in a few weeks, I was contemplating what to do with my life after June’s long-anticipated graduation. Both my roommate and I have taken an extra year to complete our undergrad degree, and we couldn’t be more excited about finally crossing that stage after five years! Conversations over the past week have often turned to the topic of ‘where will we be in September’? We have yet to come up with a conclusive answer to that elusive question, but that’s the beauty of change—you never know what to expect.
I feel like a fraud as an English student whenever I tell people that I am not a fan of poetry, and I’ve never had a favourite poem or a favourite poet, but what I do have is a favourite quote from a poet, and that’s the best I can offer. While living abroad I stumbled upon a quote by e. e. cummings that really resonated with me and has stuck with me ever since; “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are”. He just put how I feel about life right now, so well.
The closer I get to graduation, the more I realize just how much courage it takes to actually make life decisions. The real world, as I like to call life after education, is a scary place, and I’m not sure whether or not I am ready. Which is likely why I’ve decided to postpone the inevitable by pursuing a Masters degree. Despite this fear of the unknown, I’m excited to see where I’ll be come September, and I’m definitely ready for a change. Since my plans to be proactive and get ahead of my work during reading week fell through and left me disappointed in my inactivity I’m going to embrace the unknown. I’ll take solace in knowing that my future is in the hands of the faculty and staff of the schools and organizations that now hold my Masters and Grant applications. It’s out of my control now, and I’ll just keep telling myself that I’m ok with that until I finally believe it.