Imposter Syndrome is real
Imposter Syndrome refers to the feeling of not belonging, being out of place, feeling inadequate (Tamas, Amell, Deboussy, forthcoming, Breeze, 2018). Breeze (2018) adds that it includes the belief that one’s success and acceptance are either accidental, or due to an adequate performance of competence and that it is only a matter of time before one is exposed as fraudulent. Beyond the feeling of having tricked people, IS includes the inability to accept one’s successes and integrate them into one’s self-esteem.
IS has been on my radar since my first day of grad school when the WGST grad advisor brought up Imposter Syndrome and said, very plainly, “Imposter Syndrome is real and we all have it.” There was no conversation about IS, it was just stated as a fact.
However, I did not set out to do a research project on Imposter Syndrome. In a time of pressing uncertainty (Covid), exponentially increased care demands, and the resulting strain on my already fragile mental health, the idea was to lean into what was available, which for me, at the time, was making, drawing, painting, creating. With all of this in mind, Sophie and I landed on making a Covid scrapbook that connects the dots between feminist ‘craftivism’ and trauma literature on creative representational work.
Imposter Syndrome: A digital scrapbook
This is how what started as a reparative engagement with creativity, crafting, and trauma, became a clusterfuck of Imposter Syndrome and its related feelings.
Here is link if you would like to see what I’m talking about: @academic_imposter_syndrome
Post-scrapbooking reflections
I feel like I have just barely scratched the surface of what Imposter Syndrome (IS) is and how it moves and shifts in the academy. What I got is an up close (and very embodied) look at with this project, is the way that IS mixed and mingled and felt concomitant with my mental illness. It felt kind of like a chicken and egg situation, but rather than try to determine which one came first, I want to continue looking at the ways that IS and (dis)ability are woven together.
Isolation and alienation in the academy
It is clear that there is a mental health crisis in academia (Bira, Evans & Vanderford, 2019; Müller, 2020) and that mental health struggles are experienced by both students and faculty, across disciplines and career stages. Studies show that academics are not looking for or finding support within the university. Researchers point to the stigmatization of mental illness, as well as the increasingly demanding and competitive academic environment as contributing to a culture of alienation and isolation in the academy (Bira, Evans & Vanderford, 2019; Price, Salzer, O’Shea & Kerschbaum, 2017).
Care and belonging: the antidote
Despite this awareness of the pains and struggles of academia, I have seen many examples of care and belonging that still seem to grow through the cracks of these negative feelings (see for example Lopez & Gillespie, 2016, and Mountz et al., 2015). Indeed, I have been fortunate to have experienced this sense of caring-with belonging, in a couple of my research projects, this being one of them. Though I experienced acute IS, as well as a near mental collapse (due to much more than this MRE, like the fear around COVID and the lack of childcare and support), I also experienced a feeling of love and care that I have rarely felt in my academic career.
When I look through the Academic Imposter Syndrome IG account, I feel viscerally the pain and trauma of producing academic knowledge. I see anxiety, despair, inertia, anger, and shame. But I also see care, and love. I see my own acts of care (like growing my garden or caring for a friend who had just lost a loved one), as well as the care enacted by Sophie toward me.
Future intentions
I’m not really interested in drawing more conclusions about (dis)ability, mental illness, and IS. Many researchers across disciplines are doing the work of illuminating systemic barriers to higher education. Instead, I want to learn about practices of care, engagement and belonging that academics use to navigate IS. I want to take what I have learned about IS, (dis)ability, and relational research methods, and commit to moving forward with this as an act of public scholarship. I want not only to foster public discussions about the mental health crisis in academia (through the lens of feelings like IS, (in)security and belonging), but collaborate (with my Emotional Geography Collective team members for a start) on developing and sharing resources in response to what we learn through our research.
With that said, please do check out this @academic_imposter_syndrome IG account and add your thoughts and feelings!