In the words of Kathleen Kelly circa You’ve Got Mail (1998 oof!) “Dear Friend, I like to start my notes to you as if we’re already in the middle of a conversation. I pretend that we’re the oldest and dearest friends, as opposed to what we actually are, people who don’t know each other’s names.” While most of this movie has not passed the test of time, some things slide into 2020 with ease… For me, it is the process of becoming unapologetically full of “Woo Girl” feelings. Kathleen Kelly, and many others both on and off screen embody this mode of being. I have long been enamored with folks just feeling their feelings, whether that be extreme joy, or hot anger. I am someone who has always felt things deeply, which means that I feel my initial feelings deeply, but also the inevitable embarrassment when I can’t find the right space to fit those feelings into. I’ve learnt to compartmentalize, trying and (I think) succeeding at keeping giggly, overexcited me out of classrooms, out of meetings, out of my cubicle… Every year, I tell myself I will be a grown-up, I will be well spoken, somehow less vibrant in my energy, surely an indicator of maturity. I am a grown-up after all, no longer filled with the same vibes as my dancing, romance novel reading, all-night writing self. Yet here I am, day after day filled with an overwhelming array of emotions that range from practically spiritual gratitude to the mid-pandemic sensation of sadness that presses down on my ribs so hard I can barely breathe enough to say good morning to my beautiful child.
I am trying to work my way back to why I am telling you the most personal details of my mind. I should draw out a skeleton for this post…
Who am I?
What am I doing here?
Why am I writing to you lovely readers and bots?
Where is this taking place?
Does time even exist anymore? My outlook calendar says yes, my son’s runny nose and insistence on being a part of Zoom meetings suggests otherwise.
My name is Maria. I thought about using a nom de plume to keep me honest, but realized that maybe it is time for my worlds to collide. You see, I started a PhD in secret, as a small gift to myself with the assistance and support of too many people to name (though I hope you all know who you are). As I procrastinated week after week on starting this blog that I suggested I write, I had to confront my secrecy. Was I ashamed? No. Uncomfortable? Yes. But why? And why was I so filled with fear. Like most deep dive explorations since learning about emotional geographies, I started using alternative methods to answer my research question… Bring on the art journaling, Zines, and tapping videos, I want all the soft femme lit I can find, add a splash espresso and too little sleep. Ultimately I realized that I am afraid of sharing too much of myself with you. After all, I cannot hide in my own writing, nor do I think I want to anymore. So here I am, just as similar and different as all of you. Not special in any tremendous way, except that I do believe we are all totally spectacular in our uniqueness.
I want to talk with you about learning, about feeling, about joy, and building spaces of love and belonging in academic spaces. I want the ghost of the “Woo Girl” to haunt the tunnels, I want her in our zoom classes, I want her to feel welcome and bring her energies across our shared yet physically distant spaces. I want us all to thrive. I want to listen to you and hear your experiences of joy and love in academic spaces. I want to write about what sustains me, nourishes my desire to pursue academia. I’m sheepish even as I write this, but I want to make a difference. I want to support our beautiful community, and see that support network grow and foster change. I don’t yet know what that will look like, but I do know that love given is love received. To me, the “Woo Girl” is this love embodied. She is the idea of joy in academic practices, and I am determined to befriend her.
This blog will be a blog about love, about my love for learning. I hope to spend my evenings, after putting my beautiful child to bed, writing to you about emotional geographies. I will write about what I am reading, what I am learning, and how that makes me feel. I hope you will join me. The company is certainly welcome from my dining room “office” in these strange times.
Much love,
Maria
This Week’s Reading List:
The Imaginaries: Little Scraps of Larger Stories by Emily Winfield Martin
Nothing Good Can Come from This: Essays by Kristi Coulter
Ghost Stories by Sophie Tamas
Survivor Trees: Spectrality and Stickiness by Jacky Bowring
Over the Top: A Raw Journey to Self-Love by Jonathan Van Ness