This blog has been the most difficult to write so far, and for a simple reason: I’m not inspired.
What to talk about in December? Christmas, obviously; exams and final papers, if I want to hit home the bucketloads of stress which right now are pouring down on all of our heads.
Yesterday I handed in my last essay, and then I went Christmas shopping. It was a lovely feeling because I wasn’t wearing a backpack for the first time in a very, very long time. Last night I slept, without the dread of a due date lingering on the backs of my eyelids. But in spite of all that, I haven’t hit the reset button. I’m not magically stress-free and energized. No, I am still exhausted, and I still have writer’s block. Can you tell? Do my sentences feel a little sloth-like? They do to me.
But, Paige. You’re in English (sort of)! Didn’t you come to university to write papers?
This is the reality of this time of year. Maybe once I’m no longer a student, I’ll still be suffering burnout, but instead because I’ll have time to do all the holiday activities and I’ll drive my body to the breaking point with baking, shopping, visiting friends, planning gifts.
I can’t make that sound bad. It sounds so much better than writing papers.
Yes. Yes, I did. And I don’t know what I was thinking.
If this blog seems like a downer, you should see my first draft. It drips with bitterness. It seems that being uninspired also makes it difficult to be inspiring.
I should be inspiring, because I know that around the corner from now, all the emotional and mental drainage of these two weeks will be a distant memory. I go through this every year. Shouldn’t I be treasuring this, my last December as a Carleton undergrad? Shouldn’t I be waxing nostalgic about the last sleepless nights and the curative red Starbucks cup?
I can’t. This is the part of university that I will not miss, but it’s also (I suggest) one of the more universal experiences. Every time I think I’ve hit my limit, I see the circles under someone else’s eyes and know that I’m not alone.
Can you have an existential crisis if everyone else is, too? Asking for a friend.
Happy Holidays! I’ll see you on the other side.
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