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Sex Ed a la Helen

Sex Ed a la Helen
Sister Aloysius taught us arithmetic and English; Father O’Neil or as the older girls called him, Father What a Waste, taught us religion. When pressed for an explanation as to the nickname the grade 12 girls told us with smirks that we were “too young”. No one taught us about sex. And, Eileen, Joan and I had many unanswered questions.
At this time, my mom, Helen, she of the green eyes, sharp tongue and huge stomach was expecting yet another baby. They were hoping for another girl after three boys. Being the eldest and only daughter, I was not interested in sharing the limelight with some prune faced infant.
Puzzlement surrounded the imminent birth and I was charged by Joan and Eileen to press Helen on that issue.
Fate found me seated at the piano in our living room, practicing scales. Mom was vacuuming behind me. I never understood why she did that; I suspect she was not a lover of music. I stopped mid scale, staring at the keys I said, ” Mom. I have something to ask you about sex.”
Click… the vacuum was silenced. I stared harder at the keys, waiting as the silence expanded around me and endeavoured to escape the living room
“Yes Dear. What would you like to know”.
“Where does the baby come out?” Heavier silence as she pondered the question. (She must know I thought in a panic!)
“Hmm…same way it went in” Click…on went the vacuum cleaner.
Next day in the school yard, minutes before the first bell, I was surrounded by 11 year old girls with big eyes anticipating the result of my research.
“The belly button. It comes out the belly button”